Go Figure

Mason seems to have to worst luck when it comes to staying healthy.  He seems to pick up every little cold and that used to turn into something frightening because he has horrible asthma.  His little cold would turn into a fight for air and sometimes result in hospitalization.  We seem to have a handle on it now since seeing a pulmonologist and finding a link between allergies and asthma.  That kid turned out to be allergic to nearly everything it seemed when he got tested.  In fact, his back swelled up so bad the doctor made him stay for 45 minutes to make sure he was okay.  So when Mason started to break out in little bumps recently, I didn’t think too much of it.

Mason's back after being tested for allergies.

During one of Mason's hospital stays for severe asthma. This was right before his 3rd birthday.

I thought it was hives, and it was turning out to be a bad case of them.  I couldn’t figure out what he was allergic to, and he kept breaking out with new ones everyday.  I kept on him to not scratch at them and slathered calamine lotion on him.  Then Mason and his brother went in to see their pediatrician because they were due to get their flu shots.  I asked the doctor to look at his hives and help me figure out what could be causing them.  She lifted up his shirt and said “those aren’t hives they’re chicken pox.”  I was taken aback.  How could that be?  He’s up to date on all of his vaccines.  He had the chicken pox vaccine when he was around one year old.  The pediatrician explained that it could happen, that even though a child’s been vaccinated, they can still get it.  And it’s still contagious.

I had a lot of people to inform that Mason had chicken pox.  Anyone whose child that came into contact with Mason, I made sure was informed one way or another.  I hated the conversation.  I usually made sure that I threw into the sentence, “I swear he’s been vaccinated.”  I felted judged, even though I’m sure it was mostly in my head.  I didn’t want to people to think I was that parent, you know, the one that doesn’t believe in vaccinating their kids.

This is a picture I found of chicken pox. This kid's outbreak is a little more severe than Mason's was.

I know it’s a delicate balance.  Yes, there is a chance that your child can suffer serious consequence, even death, as a result of a bad reaction to a vaccination.  But think of the higher chances that you child could suffer a bad reaction to one of these diseases, which, yes, includes even death.  When I was a child, there was no vaccination for the chicken pox.  It was thought that it was best to be exposed to it and then you built up your resistance that way.  But the reason for having a vaccine against now is because of the horrible reactions that kids could suffer from having a full-blown case the chicken pox.

We are seeing old diseases, that were once rare to circulate after vaccinations, starting to crop up again.  Measles and whooping-cough as I’m sure others are making a come-back.  I used to just roll my eyes at these parents but kept to myself.  But now, it’s personal.  Mason got a disease that he shouldn’t have because of some parent that chose not to vaccinate.  Mason exposed chicken pox to an infant that was too young to get the vaccine.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Where the heart is

I wanted to break from taking a deeper look into current events and go back to the subject that is nearest and dearest to my heart.  My kiddos.  I recently signed AJ and Mason up for a karate class through parks and recreation to see if they would like it.  It’s a month-long class and I really want to see if they would like martial arts since their mother was active in it most of her childhood and early adulthood (wink, wink).   As a young girl, my dojo was like a second home to me and I had always envisioned my kids being involved in it as soon as they could walk.

After going into the tae kwon do dojo to get Mason and AJ’s uniforms and having them try them on, I was giddy.  I couldn’t wait to see them in action on their first day.  But after a few classes at this certain dojo, I began to feel bad for my little guys.  The instructor at this particular dojo was young and seemed to have little understanding in the abilities of toddler and preschool age children.  AJ quit doing the class.  Mason was trying so hard to do what was asked of him but it’s hard for him to follow verbal instructions at his age, let alone the instructions of activities that have never really been explained to him in the first place.  The instructor would get frustrated with Mason (and some of the other kids his age) and accuse him of not listening.  After talking with the other mom’s, I realized Mason was one of the youngest students.  One mom had voiced to me that she did think the instructor was a little harsh.  I was glad to confirm that it wasn’t just me that felt this way but also sad to have to see the disappointment in Mason’s eyes when he didn’t get a sticker or a patch when the other kids got one.  Poor Mason didn’t understand he didn’t do the activity correctly.  I wasn’t just acting on “mama bear” emotion when feeling this way about the instructor, I had bona-fide experience in martial arts and training young children.  I had taught for many years at my childhood dojo and had earned my second degree black belt before leaving to Germany for the Army.  I remember a lot of hands on teaching, helping the kids contort their body to accomplish the moves required of them, getting down to their level, looking them in the eye, helping them to learn the techniques correctly.  I never saw this with the instructor at the tae kwon do dojo and Mason never received this kind of hands on training.

Mason trying on his uniform for his parks and rec class

I finally took Mason over to my old, familiar school to talk with the owner.  As soon as I stepped into the dojo, I was payed respect as a senior black belt (that really made my day!) and pulled into the owner’s office to discuss getting Mason and myself enrolled back into this dojo, something I should have done from the start.  Today, Mason had his first class at this dojo and Mason listened better than ever, the instructors placing their hands on him to help him feel how a proper round house kick is done, how to set up his body for a good shoulder roll, etc.  There was no instruction to the students without a visual of what was expected (the instructor would not only say “we are going to practice our punches” but she would stand in front of them and do it as well) and the assistant instructor was there to help the kids that were unsure or struggling.  The was nothing expected out of them that was unrealistic but there was the discipline there as well.  They struck a good balance between the two.  As my teacher (and owner of the dojo said) “If the parents go to Harvard, you’re going to want the kids to go to Harvard.”  I went to the Harvard of karate schools and now my son is following in my footsteps.  I wish I hadn’t taken the detour to get back to this awesome school but as with a lot of my lessons in parenting, you live and learn and you follow your gut.  Hiya!

Me (on left) at around age 16. I believe I'm testing for another stripe on my brown/black belt

Legalized Murder?

Perhaps the bleakest fact of all is that the death penalty is imposed not only in a freakish and discriminatory manner, but also in some cases upon defendants who are actually innocent.  – Justice William J. Brennan, Jr., 1994

With the execution of Troy Davis this week, there has been a lot of debating on the use of the death penalty in the United States.  Troy Davis was executed on September 21st, 2011 despite a weak case against him and recanted eyewitness testimony.  How can we continue to support the death penalty when it’s a flawed system that can take the lives of the innocent?

Those that argue in favor of the death penalty believe that the fear of being put to death is a crime deterrent.  This is simply false.  Statistics show the opposite; States with the death penalty often times have higher crime rates than those states that have abolished the death penalty.  Some argue that the death penalty gives closure to the victims families.  To answer that, I found this story on http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org;

Ronald Carlson wanted vengeance when his sister was murdered in 1983 in Texas.  But when he witnessed the execution in 1998 of the person who committed the murder he changed his mind.   In a recent op-ed in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Carlson said he  had no opinion on capital punishment before his sister’s death and remembers feeling hatred and “would have killed those responsible with my own hands if given the opportunity.” But he later discovered that, “Watching the execution left me with horror and emptiness, confirming what I had already come to realize: Capital punishment only continues the violence that has a powerful, corrosive effect on society.”

The fact is, the death penalty costs more, does not act as a deterrent, does not always provide closure for the victims’ families, and frankly (and also in my opinion) it’s outdated and useless.  It does not bring back the victim.

The other day as I was driving around town, I was listening to NPR and briefly heard this debate on one of the stations programs.  I apologize as I do not know which program was airing or who was representing her opinion of abolishing the death penalty but I do remember a story that she had told that had stuck with me.  Cameron Todd Willingham lost his three daughters in a house fire in Corsicana, Texas.  He was arrested and eventually convicted and sentenced to death for the murder of his children.  He was accused of setting fire to his house in attempt to cover up alleged abuse of his children.  Cameron escaped the fire with minor burns, his wife (mother to the girls) was out shopping.  In his trial, his wife told the jury that Cameron never had abused the children.

Image of Cameron Todd Willingham from http://www.thepeoplesvoice.org/TPV3/Voices.php/2009/09/10/psychopaths-in-power-why-texas-is-the-gu?tempskin=basic

The police investigation determined that the fire had been started by some form of liquid accelerant.  After Cameron’s death, it was determined that the investigations outcome of arson was based on flawed science.  In 2004, a panel had determined that every indication of arson in the original investigation could be scientifically proven invalid (this was after his Cameron’s death).  It seemingly appeared more and more that the state of Texas executed an innocent, grieving father.

The death penalty should have no place in our modern society.  I’d like to think that our values today have evolved since medieval time and that the death penalty has no moral place in our society today.  If you don’t believe that, then simply put yourself or a loved one in the shoes of one of these innocent people who have been murder by our government.  Because that is exactly what happens when we put to death the innocent.  It’s murder.

Let he without sin cast the first stone

I just had to write another blog post for this week to vent.  I woke up this morning to find out that DADT (Don’t Ask Don’t Tell) had officially come to an end with the stroke of President Obama’s pen.  I got on facebook and posted the following status:  “Yay to the end of DADT.  Now if only we can get this marriage law in California changed”.  I got a lot of “likes” with the thumbs up and then I noticed I had a comment.  It read: “The Bible is very clear, if only we would obey it.”  Wow.  Really?  Ok, so I know that this subject has really divided people.  And I admit it wasn’t the response I was expecting.  But I’m really tired of the “bible” defense.  Why, you ask?  Well, the response I gave my “friend” was this:  “Do you take every thing from the bible literally?  Do you keep salves as well?”

What would our society look like if you followed the bible closely and did everything that it suggested?  The following letter was written to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in response to her comment that homosexuality is an abomination because it says so in Leviticus 18:22:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Just some food for thought.  Honestly, I just want those that use the “bible” defense to drop it and just admit that they are afraid of what they don’t understand.  Anyway, when my “friend” retorted she gave me a hard time for quoting Dr. Laura.  Huh?  I guess she didn’t read the letter, just saw in the description of the link that it said Dr. Laura.  I guess some people just don’t want to see the opposing view.  And to that, I wish she never would have made the orignal comment if she wasn’t going to be open to what I would say in response.

I also wanted to share this video that I got from the Barack Obama facebook fan page.  I think it really shows the people who were effected by DADT.

I wanted to also include a personal story from my friend, Rachael Loveridge, when she was responding to someone’s opposing view on facebook (of course!  See where I spend my free time, hahaha):

The ONLY reason I argue the above statements is because I truly believe they discredit my 6 years of honorable service. I served in Iraq and the person I loved didn’t change how I held those innocent children as they died after we bombed a maternity ward. It didn’t change the night I saved all 323 souls onboard when the OOD nearly ran our ship aground and I mustered emergency Nav detail from the chart table at 130 in the morning. Yet I was stripped of every award, every ribbon and medal, because I loved another woman. It didn’t change my core values. I was a damn good sailor who made the same sacrifices as everyone else and I was proud to serve EVERYONE who lived in the USA: be it black, white, muslim, wicka, gay, straight, etc. Please do not discredit my service.

I know this whole topic is controversial and I don’t mind friendly debating.  But using the same argument over and over or not even listening to the opposing sides view gets kind of ridiculous, in my opinion.

I heart my church

I really love my church.  Ok, before you leave my blog because you think I’m going to preach about God or morals or anything of that sort, just hear me out.  To be honest, I’m not sure if I believe in God or going to heaven after I die.  I love my church for different reasons than just religion.

Mason played a sheep in our pageant last year

I love the community in my church.  It does help that I have literally grown up at First United Methodist Church here in Napa.  But more than that, I love the people who I meet there.  Everyone is kind, caring, and willing to help those in need.  There is a variety of groups in my church that seek out to help certain areas in the community of Napa and beyond.  But personally, the people at my church make me feel loved and supported in my journey of single-parenthood.  I feel that I can reach out to these people when I am in need of help or just advise.

Surprise visit from Santa at last year's Candy Cane Sing-a-long

Being a single parent and going to church without feeling like I’m being judge is important to me.  What I love most about my church is that when they say they accept everyone no matter where they are on their faith journey, they mean it.  This past sunday we had a service to celebrate recovery.  We made aware of those that are struggling with addiction (and let’s admit it, all of us struggle with some sort of addiction) and celebrated the victory of those who had overcome their addictions and prayed for those who still needed to “come out into the light”.  We learned about the 12 steps.  We sang and we cried.  It was awesome and healing all at the same time.

Care packages for the troops

The other reason I love our church is because we are a reconciling congregation.  This means our church welcomes anyone no matter what their sexual orientation is or gender identity.  I just love being part of a church that really, truly accepts all people.

Friday morning bike group (the one time I went, hehehe)

Before I end, I just want to add that I am in no way suggesting that my church is better or even that I’m trying to push my church on to anyone.  I just wanted to express my gratitude for a church that fits all MY beliefs.

All in all, I believe that if we all learned to accept one another and choose to let compassion into our hearts instead of jealousy, greed, or power, the world would be a better place.  Or at least a good start toward a better place.  “Acceptance is not love. You love a person because he or she has lovable traits, but you accept everybody just because they’re alive and human.”
Albert Ellis 

Image from http://dhumc.wordpress.com/page/3/

All eyes on me

My youngest child is going through the terrible three’s.  I know it’s supposed to be the terrible two’s and we did go through that one as well but the three’s are turning out to be harder than the two’s.  Every time I have to go run an errand while he is with me I cringe.  It never fails, as soon as we step foot into any kind of store he does fine for about 2 minutes and then there is some reason for him to go into a full blown meltdown.  And let me tell you, this kid’s screams could compete with a woman getting attack in an ally and AJ’s screaming would probably win.  So, it’s inevitable that all eyes focus on me and the screaming child.  I hate it.  I immediately feel my face get hot and of course my blood is already boiling because of whatever tension AJ and I are having at the moment so it suddenly feels about 100 degrees too warm for me.  Then I jump to the conclusion that everyone who is staring at me thinks I’m a horrible mother who has no control over her kids.  I feel like I am being judge by a room full of  Simon Cowell’s.  I wish I could just melt into the floor like the witch from the Wizard Of Oz.

What does help is if someone who is staring at me does one of two things:  Sympathizes with me:  “Oh, I’ve been there, hahaha” or comes over and starts talking to AJ.  I know most mom’s probably wouldn’t want someone to come over and start talking to their kid in the middle of this stressful situation but for me it helps.  It’s usually an older women that comes over and starts talking to my screaming child (I use to go through this with Mason too).  The screaming child stops screaming and stares at the lady like a deer in headlights.  Guess what?  The kid has been distracted from crying.  My temperature starts to return to normal.  Then the nice lady usually

From http://www.boston.com/yourlife/family/blog/2007/09/colic_followup.html

reminisces about when she was a mother going through the same thing with her kids.  The color in my faces returns to normal.  Not only do I feel a lot better and AJ has stopped screaming, but I also feel at ease that the others who were staring at me were probably not passing judgement on me but remembering when they had to go through the same thing.  Sure, there are some out there without kids that have never been in the situation and are probably thinking exactly what I stated earlier but I try to not let it bother me and frankly, I’m glad that they don’t have kids.

So from this mother to all you shoppers out there, please don’t stare at the woman whose child is screaming bloody murder unless you flash a sympathetic smile or offer some words of encouragement.  The last thing she (or he, I don’t want to forget all the dads out there too!) needs to feel is that all eyes are on her.

WWYD (What Would You Do)?

Safety first

A few weekends ago my boys and I were invited to a birthday party my friend was throwing for her soon to be one and two year olds.  We arrived early, the boys and I, so since it was being held at a local park we decided to go check out the playground for a little bit until some people I knew arrived at the party and I didn’t feel so out-of-place.  The park where we were at is a favorite of mine because I can sit on the bench and rest my legs yet still see the boys where ever they play.  As I was sitting on the bench with the massive amounts of kids stuff I was toting I saw a Mom come pedaling up the park with a kiddie trailing in tow sans helmet.  “Ok” I thought to myself, “she’s an adult and if she wants to risk her life, than so be it”.  But as she finds a place to park her bike and let her kids out to play, I notice her KIDS weren’t wearing helmets either.  I was secretly outraged.  How could a mother risk her kids life like that?  Isn’t our responsibility as parents to ensure that our kids are safe?  I wanted to scream at her for being so careless.

At what point and to what extent do we hold parents accountable for taking unnecessary risks with their children’s lives?  If she were (god forbid) to be in a horrific accident, such as car vs. bike, and these kids were to die or suffer traumatic brain injuries that might have been prevented or at least  less severe if they were wearing helmets, could we (assuming she miraculously lives despite the fact she didn’t have a helmet as well) bring manslaughter charges against her?  Or would suffering the loss of one or both children be enough?

I heard in the news recently of a mother that was facing manslaughter charges because she had been jaywalking with her kids when they were struck by a car and her four-year old died due to his injuries.  When I first heard the story, it was while I was getting ready to go somewhere and my kids were going nuts so I didn’t really hear much of the story other than the charges and why.  So my initial reaction to it was in agreement with the charges.  Make an example of her!  Send the message that it’s not okay to “gamble” with our kids lives to save time (or possibly in bicycle Mom’s case, one less piece of equipment to worry about).  But when I sat down and watched her interview on the Today show (on this link), I really felt for her.  While I still think it was incredibly stupid of her to jaywalk with her kids across four lanes of busy traffic, I think that the price she payed (little A.J.’s life) is punishment enough.  It’s a lifetime sentence.

Maybe we should speak up when we see these kinds of things happen, BEFORE these parents face a lifetime sentence of missed birthdays and milestones.  Maybe we should keep our nose out of others business.  I really don’t have a right answer.  I do know that these parents intentions were never to place their children in any harm.  They are great parents that have made horrible mistakes.  Call it lack of sleep and lost brain cells or being clouded by little one’s screams of not wanting to wear something uncomfortable.  Who knows what they were thinking, but at least we can learn from it and protect our children from becoming another statistic.  Like the popular T.V. show asks; What would you do?

Dirty Little Secret

Several weeks ago, a few of my relatives and I were having a conversation in my parents backyard.  The attention had shifted to me after my Aunt had brought up the fact that my eldest son shouldn’t be sleeping in my bed.  You see, her granddaughter has been having a rough time with the fact that she is being transitioned to her own bed after nine years of happily snoozing in her parents bed.  So naturally I am being informed of how I should really be considering getting Mason to sleep in HIS own bed.

I don’t have a problem with Mason sleeping in my bed.  I don’t have a significant other to object to it and there’s something about seeing him so peaceful and warm that just melts my heart.  Our story of bed sharing isn’t the traditional exhausted mom letting baby sleep in bed.  Mason preferred his crib from day one.  When I had Mason I was still in the Army and Mason (and not-so-later his brother AJ) faced moving around a lot.  We moved from Germany to Ft. Bliss, Texas when he was 18 months old and my then-husband and I immediately discovered that we were both going to be deployed within months of each other.  Mason and AJ both went to live with my parents for a whole year while I was gone.  After getting back and having my boys back into my home, Mason cried in his bed at night which was unusual for him.  I welcomed him into my bed at night because I had missed him (and AJ) so much that I wanted every opportunity I could get to be with him, to breath him in, to see his sweet face.  We faced another move when I had to leave my husband (their father) and come back to Napa.  Mason continued to sleep in my bed, probably because it was one of the places he felt the safest.

My game plan about Mason’s bed sharing was that he wasn’t going to be forced not to go to college because he had to sleep in Mommy’s bed at night.  But I felt so judge, so embarrassed about my bed sharing to the rest of the world.  Once again, I was feeling like a failure when my Aunt and my Dad were worried about how Mason would be affected by bed sharing.  Just look at her granddaughter, my Aunt would point out.  Now, I’m not saying that my Aunt and my Dad were being big bullies about the subject or anything.  I just really value their opinions because they are highly educated and intelligent people.  Their word is golden to me.

That night I went Super Nanny on Mason.  He cried for at least an hour then finally fell asleep.  I posted my accomplishments of breaking the bed sharing cycle on Facebook for all my friends and family to see.  I had a friend inquire about how I got Mason to sleep in his bed since she has a daughter that sleeps with her.  When I told her she responded with basically my same “game plan”  I had for Mason originally;  her daughter isn’t going to be sleeping in her bed forever.  So I decided to arm myself with some online research to convince her how bad it is to let her daughter to continue sleeping in her bed with her.  And guess what?  I couldn’t find it.  I found more articles and research finding that  kids aren’t negatively affected by bed sharing.  As in, it really doesn’t matter if your kid sleeps with your or in their own bed, as long as it’s working for your family then it is fine.  Some pointed out that in Europe and Asia they have been doing it for years.  I was dumbfounded at first.  Then I admitted to my friend that she was right.  Go figure.

I learned a good rule of thumb in parenting that day.  You’re going to get a lot of advise on how to raise your kids.  Go with your gut and do your research.  I may even go with my old battalion’s motto:  “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.  As for Mason, he was glad to know that he wasn’t condemned to another night of sleeping in a place that just wasn’t comfortable to him.  And I get to keep waking up to the cutest little face on earth.